Heard the one about the nuclear submarine on the rocks?
John Bull: Heard the latest Monty? One of our flippin’ nuclear sub’s on the rocks!
Maninder ‘Monty’ Singh: So’s Wayne Rooney, accordin’ to The Sun.
John: Just listen to this. I mean can you believe this! “The world’s most advanced nuclear submarine, HMS Astute, has run aground on rocks off Scotland causing considerable embarrassment for Navy chiefs.” I’ll bet it’s bloody embarassing for them blokes. So’s my pension. It says, “It is understood that the boat ran aground by its stern in a manoeuvre that ‘went slightly wrong’ after it had dropped some sailors ashore off the Isle of Skye.”
Monty: All they ever say is ‘went slightly wrong’. Sorry mate, we botched it up, here’s the bill.
John: Yes but I mean Monty old man this wretched boat runs off a flippin’ nuclear reactor you know! And they’ve gone and crashed the thing! “Navy insiders insisted that there was no likelihood of a nuclear reactor leak or any other environmental issue. No one was injured in the incident that happened earlier today. It came the morning after Trafalgar Day, where sailors celebrated the 205th anniversary of Nelson’s victory”. Hahaha! Ol’ Nelson must be spinning in his grave he must be.
Monty: Thought they dropped him full fathom five when he passed on?
John: Yer misinformed. But listen to this: “HMS Astute ran aground by her stern earlier this morning as she was transferring people ashore, a Navy spokesman said. There’s no nuclear issue or no environmental issue that we are aware of and no one has been hurt.” Cheek the bugger has doesn’t he? “That we’re aware of”! And what happens when we’re done and fried like those kebabs you’re constantly pining for, what then eh Monty?
Monty: Sad news about them kebabs Johnny-boy, Tesco’s not stocking them any more. They’ve filled the shelves up with soyameal crap again.
John: Oh the irony the delicious irony. “The submarine, which carries a crew of 98, will now wait until later today for tug boats to pull her off when the tide comes in.” World’s most advanced vessel they say and now it’s up to ‘umble tugs to get ‘er out of trouble.
Monty: You mean they haven’t phoned bonnie Prince Charlie yet to ask for help? Come to think of it, Alex Ferguson would be a better bet.
John: Can you think of anything else but footer Monty? Here’s some juicy stuff: “Eye-witness Ross McKerlich said the submarine was about a mile from his home and appeared slightly tilted.” Bloody hell, a tilted nuclear sub perched on rocks and tey tell us not to worry?! “He said: ‘When I woke up this morning and looked out my bedroom window I could see the submarine. I am very surprised how far in it has come as there are good navigational buoys there’.” Oh fer heaven’s sake, this is too bloody droll.
Monty: Don’t just sit there moaning Johnny-boy, pass the pint along.